Getting married is one of life’s greatest moments. It’s an exciting time and couples are filled with hope and fulfillment. But let’s pause for a while and think about what you are getting into. You want to have a successful marriage in the future, of course. Have you and your fiancée talked about how your life together is going to be?
Sadly, people assume that marriage will just be a continuation of their great relationship and they don’t take time to sit down and talk. Remember that you are taking your relationship to another level. Merging two different lives and making a new one is not as simple as it sounds. I know it sounds unromantic, but you and your fiancée need to spend some time to talk about how things are going to be and what you can expect. Assuming, guessing and hoping for the best are the biggest mistakes you’ll make. There are some things that can be deal breakers… no matter how much you love each other. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough to have a successful married life.
Here are 10 questions to ask your Fiancée before you get married. Know what you can expect and avoid disappointments and false expectations.
- Do you want kids?Marriage means being together and living as husband and wife. How does your partner feel about having children? Does he/she want one, two or three? Some couples assume that their partners do but it is best to ask. In these modern times when women have careers too, they might not want to have one right away.Another issue is infertility. What if you both want children and for medical reasons one of you can’t? What are the alternatives? Will it be a deal breaker? Maybe you can even have yourselves checked by a doctor and find out if you will have this problem.
- Are you both going to work and contribute?Just like a business, you need to find out how you’ll make ends meet. Will you both be contributing to your future family’s finances? What are you both bringing into the marriage? What is your financial status? Is your future wife her family’s breadwinner? Is it ok with you if she continues providing for her parents? Will you pool your money and have joint accounts or will you maintain your own?These are just some of the questions that you need to put on the table. It’s a most unromantic conversation but it needs to be done. You don’t want any surprises in the future. If your partner doesn’t want to talk about it, postpone the wedding bells until you discuss this.
- Where will you live?If you don’t live in the same town, where do you plan to settle down when you’re married? If only the man is working, does the woman need to relocate closer to where he works? The woman might be taking care of old and sick parents, can she move away from them?
- What is your idea of Marriage?How does each partner view marriage and married life? What are their values and expectations? This is a conversation that can let both partners peek at their fiancée’s deepest thoughts and desires. Wouldn’t you want to know how he/she expects you to be when you’re married? False expectations are sources of disappointments that can result in failed marriages. It is not wise to assume that your partner will be this and that just because you tied the knot. Know what they are thinking.
- Is there someone in your past that can reappear and threaten our marriage?Old flames and unresolved past relationships can come knocking at your marriage door and cause trouble. Ask your partner if there is someone in their closet and ask them to resolve the problem before you get married. This is especially true if your fiancée was married before or has kids. How will these personalities from their past affect your married life? How do you feel about it?
- What are your sexual expectations?Sex will be a big part of your marriage, of course. What are your thoughts on masturbation, sex toys and porn? How often will your partner want to have sex? Is he or she into S&M? What are their thoughts on what great sex should be? For both your emotional and sexual satisfaction, you need to be able to discuss such topics. If you can’t or if you are not agreeing with what you find out, it could be a warning sign that you’re headed into trouble.
- How much time will you spend with your partner’s family?Some people have families who are really close. How close do you want to be when you’re married? Should you expect your in-laws to be visiting every weekend? Will your partner want to visit regularly? If you grew up with different kinds of families, it might be an adjustment and you need to know how it’s going to be.
- What about the household chores?With both of you working, someone needs to raise the question – Who is expected to clean the house, wash the dishes, mop the floor, do the laundry, iron the clothes, etc.? Will you be sharing household duties? Some people still assume that this is a woman’s job – but times have changed. A woman might have a career too. If you don’t discuss this, it can turn really ugly when a woman starts resenting that she is expected to do all this while working too. Should you get a full-time or part-time helper? This is not something that you can push away and hope it works out on its own. It won’t.
- How will you spend your free time?Will your future husband prefer to spend time with you on your days off or is he the type who will spend it with friends or extended family? Does he/she have a hobby that you don’t enjoy? Can he have a golf day with buddies? How often? Keeping the work-life balance is not easy and you know exactly what to expect. Your expectation and hopes might be totally different from your partner’s.
- What restrictions will you put on me when we get married?From this question, you will find out if your future spouse is controlling. It can raise a lot of issues that most couples don’t predict. Drinking problems, issues with too much time with friends, going to the bar, too many night-outs. These are the small problems that wreck a marriage when you didn’t realize they will be issues.
People normally assume that their partners will start behaving differently and improving once they are married. I will change her. He will change for me. These are statements that lead to heartbreak. The person you are marrying is the one sitting in front of you, the one you’re having a conversation with. They will not suddenly become the man or woman of your dreams and be perfect.
Ask these questions and see if he or she is really the one for you, right now.
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